Different times.........

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The past few days have been a little tough for me because around this time would have been Amelia Lane's actual birth.  My medical team had said that Amelia would have been here about 1 to 2 weeks early.  I would have had a C-Section with her because I had one with Ethan Charles.

I try to keep my mind busy by baking and occasionally cooking meals here at home.  When I wake up in the morning, all I want to really do is cry.  I'm sad, my heart breaks.  I want to feel happy again, like before, before all this happened, before I was pregnant with her.  Happy again.  I don't know if I'll get there.  You may see me laugh, engage in conversation with others but I'm falling apart most of the time.  I've just learned to conceal all of that and keep it to myself.  There are only a few people that can see the real me specially during these times.  They are the ones that allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and they don't say a whole lot.  They just know.  I get emotional quite a bit as well.

FYI~To those who know who Aaron and I are, if you are our friends, FB friends, family, you obviously know what has happened to us in the past 45 days.  When we see you, a hello how are you is great.  We would prefer not to discuss our painful experiences with you at this time  because it's sad and we don't really want to re-hash it anymore.  There will be a time and place where I will be comfortable talking about it but for now, it's really not my cup of tea at the moment.  I hope you all can respect that.


Thank you!

Random moments, the highs and lows

Monday, September 23, 2013

As I sit here this even, I have this memory in my head of when I was in the hospital waiting to deliver Amelia.  August 9, 2013  two children were born.  Malakai Corpuz, he is my grandson.  Amelia Lane was born hours after Malakai.  Amelia Lane was born asleep.  My sweet angel.  How I miss her so.  In a few weeks, it would have been here birthday.

I recall being in the hospital, waiting for Brother Jeremy to come and pray for us and our family.  I talked to my first night nurse that evening hoping that should get a doppler and try to listen for a heart beat.  She tried about 30 minutes and we didn't hear anything.  As she put away the doppler, she looked at me and said, "I was hoping for a miracle."  The next evening was when Dr. Moore was going to induce labor.  Before anything, we did silent prayers before another ultrasound.  Dr. Moore listened so attentively, there was no heart beat.  The final straw, the last ultrasound, there was no heart beat, as much as we listened, our angel had passed on.

I keep remember the persistence of my medical team.  Making me feel comfortable, save, making sure Aaron and I were going to be alright.  My medical team kept hoping for a little miracle,  they didn't want to leave any stones unturned.

It's ok, Amelia Lane Gerber is in peace, no sorrow, no illness, no pain.  As for me and Aaron, there will always be sorrow and pain when we think about Amelia Lane.  She's our baby girl.  We miss her, we want her to be here with us, we want to hold her and hear her cry. hold her, hug her.  We won't ever get that chance.  Amelia was born asleep.  Not knowing anything except that we loved her so much.

I miss her so much.  I love you my baby angel.  Mommy and daddy love you so much!


Forever!

We're doing fine.................sometimes

Friday, September 20, 2013

I know it's late,  I ordered my phone online.  I was thinking of going to SLO and getting it there but these days, I don't get up early.  I've got insomnia so when I sleep, I sleep.  I don't really have any place to go or be unless I've got doctor's appointments.  I have a few of those next month.  For now,  I'm taking it easy, doing some reading, catching up on birthday lunches (thanks Jen), been baking lately, doing a little cooking here and there.  I wish the cooking can be an everyday thing but it just isn't.  If I had a crew that would probably chop everything that I needed like how the Food Network does it, maybe.  If I didn't have to clean the kitchen, wash the dishes after I cooked, maybe but when you're the only one that does all that, I get lazy.  Trying to eat more healthy.  Emphasis on the word "trying."  I know I'll get there somehow.  I'm just not in a rush to do it.  As it is, I survive on 2 meals a day.  My appetite has changed.  I eat when I'm hungry and I get full faster.  I guess you can say that's a good thing but it's weird to me.  I thought I would take advantage now because I've had some dental work done so it's not as bothersome to eat certain foods but I haven't been adventurous lately.  Possibly when Amy and I go to SoCal in a few weeks.  A friend of mine told me that she and her co-workers were doing the Blacklight Run in LA (actually in Pomona).  She ask me to join and of course I ask Amy to do it with me, we will walk in memory and honor of her mother Dawn and I'll do it for my baby girl Amelia.  It should be fun.  Amy and I haven't done a girls trip in about 5 years.  We are overdue for one.  I will blog about that when I get back.

Things are calm these past few weeks.  I've made amends with people that I was upset with.  That's help my heart heal slowly.  We are healing, slowly.  Aaron and I had placed some flowers at the cemetery on Saturday.  Last time we were there was Amelia's burial.  

We are continuing to grieve but at the same time, we are moving on.  We laugh, we cry, we are happy, we are sad.  That is life, it is normal.  That day will come when we won't hurt as much anymore, when the thought of them won't bring tears to our eyes.  One day at a time.  That's all we can really do.  Rely on God for guidance and strength.  Look to friends and family for love and support.  

To those who have shown their love and support, thank you so very much.

Until next time.......