I may seem to be obsessed.....over celebrity death....

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


In the past few days following Paul Walkers untimely, tragic death, I know that I have posted quite a bit of comments regarding his passing.  I'm a nerdy fan girl who loves the Fast and Furious franchise just like most of you.  In 2001, The Fast and Furious came out making us fall in love with the franchise, specially when FF4 came out with most of it's original cast.

I'm not sure if any of you are going to understand what I'm going to say but I will try to tell you this in the easiest way possible.  Maybe you can make your own interpretation of understanding.  When Aaron and I lost our son Ethan Charles in 2009,  it was such a heart wrenching experience that amazingly enough we found the strength to get out bed each day.  At the end of July 2009, we lost Michael Jackson and because I was such a big fan, like many of you, I was glued to the TV, watching every news broadcast, watching every minute about what had happened to him.  Why?  Because I didn't have to deal with my own pain at that moment.  For about 2 weeks, I was so immersed in Michael Jackson's passing that I didn't feel any of my sadness, I wanted to feel a different sadness.  Sadness for an iconic figure we have lost.  Whether I met him or not, I felt a connection with him through his music.  Like most of us out there, we all felt a loss when he (MJ) died.

I guess to sum it up, I'm feeling a bit the same losing Amelia Lane this year.  There are days where I don't want to function at all.  There are days where I can stay in the closet for hours.  There have been days when I don't leave the house, let alone, get out of bed.  Some of you may see me out and about, running errands, going out to eat, laughing, smiling.  That's just the exterior.  In my heart, there is an indescribable pain that no one should ever have.  Losing a child.  Paul Walker is someone I never met.  I only saw him in movies.  Watched most of his movies specially FF.  Paul Walker Sr. lost a son, his daughter lost a father, his family, lost him.  When it boils down to, it doesn't matter if you're a celebrity or not, a child loss is the same all around the world, it's heartbreaking and painful.  That is what I feel.   I may pour so much of my attention to this because I know how this kind of pain feels.  This is my way of mourning.

Fans all over the world were waiting to see the next FF7,  because of Paul's passing, it has now been delayed.  The sadness is not ever seeing him on screen again.  If I feel the sadness of his passing, let alone the many people that he surrounded himself with each day working on this film.

My condolences to those who feel this sadness.  My condolences to those who have lost someone they truly love.  It will all be ok.  Time will heal the wounds in our hearts for those we have lost.  God will always give us the directions our lives should go.

Until next time........

Holidays bring sadness........

Friday, November 21, 2013


As I'm sitting at Starbucks this morning, looking at my surroundings, it hit me that the holiday season is here.  Winter has now hit the Central Coast.  It's actually  COLD here.  LOL!  I know that you understand what I'm saying.

It also hit me that during this holiday,  there are a few people that we will be missing.  Mainly, our children.  We miss our kids everyday, but during the holiday is when families get together, so much food is prepared, everybody goes shopping for those blockbuster savings.  For us, there will always be 2 little kids missing and also one very special lady.  Our dearest friend Dawn Hedrick.  Grama D.    If I miss her, what more her family.

The holidays always brings out the sadness in those we miss because we wish they can be here to  enjoy it as much as we do.  Thanksgiving and Black Friday.  New Years Eve and day.  Memories of past holidays always comes to mind.  The laughter, the drama.   It's even tougher when birthdays come around.  I allow the sadness to come because in time it shall pass.  There's always that wonder though, of how things could've, should've, would've been.  All I can do is feel it.

To those of my friends and family that are missing loved ones this Holiday Season, no words can be described how we feel.  Feel what you feel, cry, laugh, etc.  Remember.  Live in the present, look to the future.  Hold them all dear in our hearts with a lot of love.  Their memories live on forever through all of us.

Different times.........

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The past few days have been a little tough for me because around this time would have been Amelia Lane's actual birth.  My medical team had said that Amelia would have been here about 1 to 2 weeks early.  I would have had a C-Section with her because I had one with Ethan Charles.

I try to keep my mind busy by baking and occasionally cooking meals here at home.  When I wake up in the morning, all I want to really do is cry.  I'm sad, my heart breaks.  I want to feel happy again, like before, before all this happened, before I was pregnant with her.  Happy again.  I don't know if I'll get there.  You may see me laugh, engage in conversation with others but I'm falling apart most of the time.  I've just learned to conceal all of that and keep it to myself.  There are only a few people that can see the real me specially during these times.  They are the ones that allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and they don't say a whole lot.  They just know.  I get emotional quite a bit as well.

FYI~To those who know who Aaron and I are, if you are our friends, FB friends, family, you obviously know what has happened to us in the past 45 days.  When we see you, a hello how are you is great.  We would prefer not to discuss our painful experiences with you at this time  because it's sad and we don't really want to re-hash it anymore.  There will be a time and place where I will be comfortable talking about it but for now, it's really not my cup of tea at the moment.  I hope you all can respect that.


Thank you!

Random moments, the highs and lows

Monday, September 23, 2013

As I sit here this even, I have this memory in my head of when I was in the hospital waiting to deliver Amelia.  August 9, 2013  two children were born.  Malakai Corpuz, he is my grandson.  Amelia Lane was born hours after Malakai.  Amelia Lane was born asleep.  My sweet angel.  How I miss her so.  In a few weeks, it would have been here birthday.

I recall being in the hospital, waiting for Brother Jeremy to come and pray for us and our family.  I talked to my first night nurse that evening hoping that should get a doppler and try to listen for a heart beat.  She tried about 30 minutes and we didn't hear anything.  As she put away the doppler, she looked at me and said, "I was hoping for a miracle."  The next evening was when Dr. Moore was going to induce labor.  Before anything, we did silent prayers before another ultrasound.  Dr. Moore listened so attentively, there was no heart beat.  The final straw, the last ultrasound, there was no heart beat, as much as we listened, our angel had passed on.

I keep remember the persistence of my medical team.  Making me feel comfortable, save, making sure Aaron and I were going to be alright.  My medical team kept hoping for a little miracle,  they didn't want to leave any stones unturned.

It's ok, Amelia Lane Gerber is in peace, no sorrow, no illness, no pain.  As for me and Aaron, there will always be sorrow and pain when we think about Amelia Lane.  She's our baby girl.  We miss her, we want her to be here with us, we want to hold her and hear her cry. hold her, hug her.  We won't ever get that chance.  Amelia was born asleep.  Not knowing anything except that we loved her so much.

I miss her so much.  I love you my baby angel.  Mommy and daddy love you so much!


Forever!

We're doing fine.................sometimes

Friday, September 20, 2013

I know it's late,  I ordered my phone online.  I was thinking of going to SLO and getting it there but these days, I don't get up early.  I've got insomnia so when I sleep, I sleep.  I don't really have any place to go or be unless I've got doctor's appointments.  I have a few of those next month.  For now,  I'm taking it easy, doing some reading, catching up on birthday lunches (thanks Jen), been baking lately, doing a little cooking here and there.  I wish the cooking can be an everyday thing but it just isn't.  If I had a crew that would probably chop everything that I needed like how the Food Network does it, maybe.  If I didn't have to clean the kitchen, wash the dishes after I cooked, maybe but when you're the only one that does all that, I get lazy.  Trying to eat more healthy.  Emphasis on the word "trying."  I know I'll get there somehow.  I'm just not in a rush to do it.  As it is, I survive on 2 meals a day.  My appetite has changed.  I eat when I'm hungry and I get full faster.  I guess you can say that's a good thing but it's weird to me.  I thought I would take advantage now because I've had some dental work done so it's not as bothersome to eat certain foods but I haven't been adventurous lately.  Possibly when Amy and I go to SoCal in a few weeks.  A friend of mine told me that she and her co-workers were doing the Blacklight Run in LA (actually in Pomona).  She ask me to join and of course I ask Amy to do it with me, we will walk in memory and honor of her mother Dawn and I'll do it for my baby girl Amelia.  It should be fun.  Amy and I haven't done a girls trip in about 5 years.  We are overdue for one.  I will blog about that when I get back.

Things are calm these past few weeks.  I've made amends with people that I was upset with.  That's help my heart heal slowly.  We are healing, slowly.  Aaron and I had placed some flowers at the cemetery on Saturday.  Last time we were there was Amelia's burial.  

We are continuing to grieve but at the same time, we are moving on.  We laugh, we cry, we are happy, we are sad.  That is life, it is normal.  That day will come when we won't hurt as much anymore, when the thought of them won't bring tears to our eyes.  One day at a time.  That's all we can really do.  Rely on God for guidance and strength.  Look to friends and family for love and support.  

To those who have shown their love and support, thank you so very much.

Until next time.......

Our Precious Amelia Lane, rest in peace my darling girl..............

Friday, August 30, 2013

Today was the day that we laid our little girl to rest.  It was very simple as friends and family members gathered at the cemetery to pay their respects, show love and support.  There was no viewing, there was no religious ceremonies.  It was held at 10am and it was over within 20 minutes. 

Amelia wore a pink printed onesie, she was wrapped in a baby blanket that I had sewn for her, along with her pink snoopy that Landon gave her and her little octopus Pearl from Finding Nemo.  I placed a burpee cloth that I made for her on top of her casket and we offered white roses.

This was a private burial.  There were very few people.  We kept it very intimate between a few friends and very few family members.  We understood that some could not make it and that was fine.   

To Our Almighty GOD~Thank you for your love and your mercy.  For giving us the courage, making us brave to do this one last time.  For the people that you have placed in our lives who love us unconditionally.  For the generosity of our friends and family to help us make this happen today.  We return the honor and glory to you.

To Dad and Dixie~We love you.  Thank you for your kindness and generosity.  Your presence there today was much appreciated.

To Joe~I love you, that's all.

To Amy~We can't thank you enough for your friendship, support, love and understanding during this time.  I don't know what I would've done without you.  We've lost 2 precious people in our lives this year, sucks that it gives us something in common but at the same time, we grieve and console each other.  We will be ok, someday.  For now, as time goes on,  we keep loving the people we have lost even though it hurts so much.  Grandma D will look after my two angels.

To Jenny~Thank you for being there.  Your friendship means the world.  We are grateful for the things that you have done when we (I) weren't capable of doing it.  You are my sister, in more way than one.  I love you.

To Malia and Caitlin~You two are our sisters and we love you both so much.  Thank you for bringing the flowers today.  Your presence there meant so much to us.

To the Nunez Family~Thank you for the love and support you have shown us during this time of sorrow and grief.  You have always been there for me and Aaron, we appreciate it so much.  You are  the parental guidance that oversee us during our hard times.  We love you all.  

To my La~I know that you weren't physically there today but I know that you were there in spirit.  You've been there for me more than you know.  Our late night texting, venting, crying, laughing, anger sessions.  You were there for me, always giving me the advice that I needed. Understanding what I've been through because you have experienced it yourself.  Being in my corner when I felt those that were suppose to be there were the ones that were kicking me while I was down, wanting to play the blame game, those that you put so much trust in were the ones that would actually hurt you the most.  YOU were there.  You have given me more emotional support being 200 miles away than those that are less than a mile from my home.  You are my true sister, our past, present and future will bind us together, always.  I love you!

A Good Day for a change......

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I had lunch with my lil' sister Malia at My Thai.  Good food, good conversation and a lot of laughs.  Malia treated me for my belated birthday lunch.  That made me happy and excited because we love Thai food so much and eating is our way of life.  LOL!  I love you sister!!!!!!!

I also had a doctor's appointment with Dr. Mahmood in AG.  She was highly recommended by Dr. Moore.  I was a bit nervous seeing a new doctor but after meeting her, she's amazing.  Dr. Mahmood took a good look at all the blood pressure meds that are prescribed to me and she decided on a cocktail for the next two weeks for my hypertension.  I am glad that I'm closely monitored by my doctor's.  

Aaron has become obsessed with Wavy Lays Roasted Garlic and Sea Salt chips and he's one request was I go get some so I end up at Wal-Mart in AG.  I find the chips, get 4 bags and I start wandering around the store looking for a few things.  As I'm rolling down the aisle, I glance and see a classmate from high school, Michelle Aragon.  Michelle and I knew of each other in high school but we didn't hang out or anything.  She has always been nice to me.  We have been Facebook friends for a while now and she has always been so supportive and sweet with her comments, likes on my page.  It was so great to see her.  We stood there talking for about an hour.  We pretty much talked about everything from junior high to our current situations.  I swear she gets me.  She gets me so well.  She understands how I'm feeling, she gets it.  That made me happy.  We hugged like so many times before we exchanged cell numbers and said talk to you later.  Michelle Aragon, I know that you are going to be reading this, thank you for such a great reunion between you and I.  I can't wait till we have a girl date of our own.  It's going to be fun.

I made cupcakes again for someone special.  I'm excited.  I can't wait.

Overall, this was a better day because God knew I needed it, that I needed friends that I can talk to that will understand how I feel and not care if I really don't want to talk about it.  What I'm going through now and what I've gone through in the past is something that is between me and God.  All I know right now at this moment is that God is my clarity.  I leave it all up to him.

God Bles you my friends.