Tuesday, December 3, 2013
In the past few days following Paul Walkers untimely, tragic death, I know that I have posted quite a bit of comments regarding his passing. I'm a nerdy fan girl who loves the Fast and Furious franchise just like most of you. In 2001, The Fast and Furious came out making us fall in love with the franchise, specially when FF4 came out with most of it's original cast.
I'm not sure if any of you are going to understand what I'm going to say but I will try to tell you this in the easiest way possible. Maybe you can make your own interpretation of understanding. When Aaron and I lost our son Ethan Charles in 2009, it was such a heart wrenching experience that amazingly enough we found the strength to get out bed each day. At the end of July 2009, we lost Michael Jackson and because I was such a big fan, like many of you, I was glued to the TV, watching every news broadcast, watching every minute about what had happened to him. Why? Because I didn't have to deal with my own pain at that moment. For about 2 weeks, I was so immersed in Michael Jackson's passing that I didn't feel any of my sadness, I wanted to feel a different sadness. Sadness for an iconic figure we have lost. Whether I met him or not, I felt a connection with him through his music. Like most of us out there, we all felt a loss when he (MJ) died.
I guess to sum it up, I'm feeling a bit the same losing Amelia Lane this year. There are days where I don't want to function at all. There are days where I can stay in the closet for hours. There have been days when I don't leave the house, let alone, get out of bed. Some of you may see me out and about, running errands, going out to eat, laughing, smiling. That's just the exterior. In my heart, there is an indescribable pain that no one should ever have. Losing a child. Paul Walker is someone I never met. I only saw him in movies. Watched most of his movies specially FF. Paul Walker Sr. lost a son, his daughter lost a father, his family, lost him. When it boils down to, it doesn't matter if you're a celebrity or not, a child loss is the same all around the world, it's heartbreaking and painful. That is what I feel. I may pour so much of my attention to this because I know how this kind of pain feels. This is my way of mourning.
Fans all over the world were waiting to see the next FF7, because of Paul's passing, it has now been delayed. The sadness is not ever seeing him on screen again. If I feel the sadness of his passing, let alone the many people that he surrounded himself with each day working on this film.
My condolences to those who feel this sadness. My condolences to those who have lost someone they truly love. It will all be ok. Time will heal the wounds in our hearts for those we have lost. God will always give us the directions our lives should go.
Until next time........
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Holidays bring sadness........
Friday, November 21, 2013
As I'm sitting at Starbucks this morning, looking at my surroundings, it hit me that the holiday season is here. Winter has now hit the Central Coast. It's actually COLD here. LOL! I know that you understand what I'm saying.
It also hit me that during this holiday, there are a few people that we will be missing. Mainly, our children. We miss our kids everyday, but during the holiday is when families get together, so much food is prepared, everybody goes shopping for those blockbuster savings. For us, there will always be 2 little kids missing and also one very special lady. Our dearest friend Dawn Hedrick. Grama D. If I miss her, what more her family.
The holidays always brings out the sadness in those we miss because we wish they can be here to enjoy it as much as we do. Thanksgiving and Black Friday. New Years Eve and day. Memories of past holidays always comes to mind. The laughter, the drama. It's even tougher when birthdays come around. I allow the sadness to come because in time it shall pass. There's always that wonder though, of how things could've, should've, would've been. All I can do is feel it.
To those of my friends and family that are missing loved ones this Holiday Season, no words can be described how we feel. Feel what you feel, cry, laugh, etc. Remember. Live in the present, look to the future. Hold them all dear in our hearts with a lot of love. Their memories live on forever through all of us.
As I'm sitting at Starbucks this morning, looking at my surroundings, it hit me that the holiday season is here. Winter has now hit the Central Coast. It's actually COLD here. LOL! I know that you understand what I'm saying.
It also hit me that during this holiday, there are a few people that we will be missing. Mainly, our children. We miss our kids everyday, but during the holiday is when families get together, so much food is prepared, everybody goes shopping for those blockbuster savings. For us, there will always be 2 little kids missing and also one very special lady. Our dearest friend Dawn Hedrick. Grama D. If I miss her, what more her family.
The holidays always brings out the sadness in those we miss because we wish they can be here to enjoy it as much as we do. Thanksgiving and Black Friday. New Years Eve and day. Memories of past holidays always comes to mind. The laughter, the drama. It's even tougher when birthdays come around. I allow the sadness to come because in time it shall pass. There's always that wonder though, of how things could've, should've, would've been. All I can do is feel it.
To those of my friends and family that are missing loved ones this Holiday Season, no words can be described how we feel. Feel what you feel, cry, laugh, etc. Remember. Live in the present, look to the future. Hold them all dear in our hearts with a lot of love. Their memories live on forever through all of us.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Different times.........
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
The past few days have been a little tough for me because around this time would have been Amelia Lane's actual birth. My medical team had said that Amelia would have been here about 1 to 2 weeks early. I would have had a C-Section with her because I had one with Ethan Charles.
I try to keep my mind busy by baking and occasionally cooking meals here at home. When I wake up in the morning, all I want to really do is cry. I'm sad, my heart breaks. I want to feel happy again, like before, before all this happened, before I was pregnant with her. Happy again. I don't know if I'll get there. You may see me laugh, engage in conversation with others but I'm falling apart most of the time. I've just learned to conceal all of that and keep it to myself. There are only a few people that can see the real me specially during these times. They are the ones that allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and they don't say a whole lot. They just know. I get emotional quite a bit as well.
FYI~To those who know who Aaron and I are, if you are our friends, FB friends, family, you obviously know what has happened to us in the past 45 days. When we see you, a hello how are you is great. We would prefer not to discuss our painful experiences with you at this time because it's sad and we don't really want to re-hash it anymore. There will be a time and place where I will be comfortable talking about it but for now, it's really not my cup of tea at the moment. I hope you all can respect that.
Thank you!
The past few days have been a little tough for me because around this time would have been Amelia Lane's actual birth. My medical team had said that Amelia would have been here about 1 to 2 weeks early. I would have had a C-Section with her because I had one with Ethan Charles.
I try to keep my mind busy by baking and occasionally cooking meals here at home. When I wake up in the morning, all I want to really do is cry. I'm sad, my heart breaks. I want to feel happy again, like before, before all this happened, before I was pregnant with her. Happy again. I don't know if I'll get there. You may see me laugh, engage in conversation with others but I'm falling apart most of the time. I've just learned to conceal all of that and keep it to myself. There are only a few people that can see the real me specially during these times. They are the ones that allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and they don't say a whole lot. They just know. I get emotional quite a bit as well.
FYI~To those who know who Aaron and I are, if you are our friends, FB friends, family, you obviously know what has happened to us in the past 45 days. When we see you, a hello how are you is great. We would prefer not to discuss our painful experiences with you at this time because it's sad and we don't really want to re-hash it anymore. There will be a time and place where I will be comfortable talking about it but for now, it's really not my cup of tea at the moment. I hope you all can respect that.
Thank you!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Random moments, the highs and lows
Monday, September 23, 2013
As I sit here this even, I have this memory in my head of when I was in the hospital waiting to deliver Amelia. August 9, 2013 two children were born. Malakai Corpuz, he is my grandson. Amelia Lane was born hours after Malakai. Amelia Lane was born asleep. My sweet angel. How I miss her so. In a few weeks, it would have been here birthday.
I recall being in the hospital, waiting for Brother Jeremy to come and pray for us and our family. I talked to my first night nurse that evening hoping that should get a doppler and try to listen for a heart beat. She tried about 30 minutes and we didn't hear anything. As she put away the doppler, she looked at me and said, "I was hoping for a miracle." The next evening was when Dr. Moore was going to induce labor. Before anything, we did silent prayers before another ultrasound. Dr. Moore listened so attentively, there was no heart beat. The final straw, the last ultrasound, there was no heart beat, as much as we listened, our angel had passed on.
I keep remember the persistence of my medical team. Making me feel comfortable, save, making sure Aaron and I were going to be alright. My medical team kept hoping for a little miracle, they didn't want to leave any stones unturned.
It's ok, Amelia Lane Gerber is in peace, no sorrow, no illness, no pain. As for me and Aaron, there will always be sorrow and pain when we think about Amelia Lane. She's our baby girl. We miss her, we want her to be here with us, we want to hold her and hear her cry. hold her, hug her. We won't ever get that chance. Amelia was born asleep. Not knowing anything except that we loved her so much.
I miss her so much. I love you my baby angel. Mommy and daddy love you so much!
Forever!
As I sit here this even, I have this memory in my head of when I was in the hospital waiting to deliver Amelia. August 9, 2013 two children were born. Malakai Corpuz, he is my grandson. Amelia Lane was born hours after Malakai. Amelia Lane was born asleep. My sweet angel. How I miss her so. In a few weeks, it would have been here birthday.
I recall being in the hospital, waiting for Brother Jeremy to come and pray for us and our family. I talked to my first night nurse that evening hoping that should get a doppler and try to listen for a heart beat. She tried about 30 minutes and we didn't hear anything. As she put away the doppler, she looked at me and said, "I was hoping for a miracle." The next evening was when Dr. Moore was going to induce labor. Before anything, we did silent prayers before another ultrasound. Dr. Moore listened so attentively, there was no heart beat. The final straw, the last ultrasound, there was no heart beat, as much as we listened, our angel had passed on.
I keep remember the persistence of my medical team. Making me feel comfortable, save, making sure Aaron and I were going to be alright. My medical team kept hoping for a little miracle, they didn't want to leave any stones unturned.
It's ok, Amelia Lane Gerber is in peace, no sorrow, no illness, no pain. As for me and Aaron, there will always be sorrow and pain when we think about Amelia Lane. She's our baby girl. We miss her, we want her to be here with us, we want to hold her and hear her cry. hold her, hug her. We won't ever get that chance. Amelia was born asleep. Not knowing anything except that we loved her so much.
I miss her so much. I love you my baby angel. Mommy and daddy love you so much!
Forever!
Friday, September 20, 2013
We're doing fine.................sometimes
Friday, September 20, 2013
I know it's late, I ordered my phone online. I was thinking of going to SLO and getting it there but these days, I don't get up early. I've got insomnia so when I sleep, I sleep. I don't really have any place to go or be unless I've got doctor's appointments. I have a few of those next month. For now, I'm taking it easy, doing some reading, catching up on birthday lunches (thanks Jen), been baking lately, doing a little cooking here and there. I wish the cooking can be an everyday thing but it just isn't. If I had a crew that would probably chop everything that I needed like how the Food Network does it, maybe. If I didn't have to clean the kitchen, wash the dishes after I cooked, maybe but when you're the only one that does all that, I get lazy. Trying to eat more healthy. Emphasis on the word "trying." I know I'll get there somehow. I'm just not in a rush to do it. As it is, I survive on 2 meals a day. My appetite has changed. I eat when I'm hungry and I get full faster. I guess you can say that's a good thing but it's weird to me. I thought I would take advantage now because I've had some dental work done so it's not as bothersome to eat certain foods but I haven't been adventurous lately. Possibly when Amy and I go to SoCal in a few weeks. A friend of mine told me that she and her co-workers were doing the Blacklight Run in LA (actually in Pomona). She ask me to join and of course I ask Amy to do it with me, we will walk in memory and honor of her mother Dawn and I'll do it for my baby girl Amelia. It should be fun. Amy and I haven't done a girls trip in about 5 years. We are overdue for one. I will blog about that when I get back.
Things are calm these past few weeks. I've made amends with people that I was upset with. That's help my heart heal slowly. We are healing, slowly. Aaron and I had placed some flowers at the cemetery on Saturday. Last time we were there was Amelia's burial.
We are continuing to grieve but at the same time, we are moving on. We laugh, we cry, we are happy, we are sad. That is life, it is normal. That day will come when we won't hurt as much anymore, when the thought of them won't bring tears to our eyes. One day at a time. That's all we can really do. Rely on God for guidance and strength. Look to friends and family for love and support.
To those who have shown their love and support, thank you so very much.
Until next time.......
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Our Precious Amelia Lane, rest in peace my darling girl..............
Friday, August 30, 2013
Today was the day that we laid our little girl to rest. It was very simple as friends and family members gathered at the cemetery to pay their respects, show love and support. There was no viewing, there was no religious ceremonies. It was held at 10am and it was over within 20 minutes.
Amelia wore a pink printed onesie, she was wrapped in a baby blanket that I had sewn for her, along with her pink snoopy that Landon gave her and her little octopus Pearl from Finding Nemo. I placed a burpee cloth that I made for her on top of her casket and we offered white roses.
This was a private burial. There were very few people. We kept it very intimate between a few friends and very few family members. We understood that some could not make it and that was fine.
To Our Almighty GOD~Thank you for your love and your mercy. For giving us the courage, making us brave to do this one last time. For the people that you have placed in our lives who love us unconditionally. For the generosity of our friends and family to help us make this happen today. We return the honor and glory to you.
To Dad and Dixie~We love you. Thank you for your kindness and generosity. Your presence there today was much appreciated.
To Joe~I love you, that's all.
To Amy~We can't thank you enough for your friendship, support, love and understanding during this time. I don't know what I would've done without you. We've lost 2 precious people in our lives this year, sucks that it gives us something in common but at the same time, we grieve and console each other. We will be ok, someday. For now, as time goes on, we keep loving the people we have lost even though it hurts so much. Grandma D will look after my two angels.
To Jenny~Thank you for being there. Your friendship means the world. We are grateful for the things that you have done when we (I) weren't capable of doing it. You are my sister, in more way than one. I love you.
To Malia and Caitlin~You two are our sisters and we love you both so much. Thank you for bringing the flowers today. Your presence there meant so much to us.
To the Nunez Family~Thank you for the love and support you have shown us during this time of sorrow and grief. You have always been there for me and Aaron, we appreciate it so much. You are the parental guidance that oversee us during our hard times. We love you all.
To my La~I know that you weren't physically there today but I know that you were there in spirit. You've been there for me more than you know. Our late night texting, venting, crying, laughing, anger sessions. You were there for me, always giving me the advice that I needed. Understanding what I've been through because you have experienced it yourself. Being in my corner when I felt those that were suppose to be there were the ones that were kicking me while I was down, wanting to play the blame game, those that you put so much trust in were the ones that would actually hurt you the most. YOU were there. You have given me more emotional support being 200 miles away than those that are less than a mile from my home. You are my true sister, our past, present and future will bind us together, always. I love you!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
A Good Day for a change......
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I had lunch with my lil' sister Malia at My Thai. Good food, good conversation and a lot of laughs. Malia treated me for my belated birthday lunch. That made me happy and excited because we love Thai food so much and eating is our way of life. LOL! I love you sister!!!!!!!
I also had a doctor's appointment with Dr. Mahmood in AG. She was highly recommended by Dr. Moore. I was a bit nervous seeing a new doctor but after meeting her, she's amazing. Dr. Mahmood took a good look at all the blood pressure meds that are prescribed to me and she decided on a cocktail for the next two weeks for my hypertension. I am glad that I'm closely monitored by my doctor's.
Aaron has become obsessed with Wavy Lays Roasted Garlic and Sea Salt chips and he's one request was I go get some so I end up at Wal-Mart in AG. I find the chips, get 4 bags and I start wandering around the store looking for a few things. As I'm rolling down the aisle, I glance and see a classmate from high school, Michelle Aragon. Michelle and I knew of each other in high school but we didn't hang out or anything. She has always been nice to me. We have been Facebook friends for a while now and she has always been so supportive and sweet with her comments, likes on my page. It was so great to see her. We stood there talking for about an hour. We pretty much talked about everything from junior high to our current situations. I swear she gets me. She gets me so well. She understands how I'm feeling, she gets it. That made me happy. We hugged like so many times before we exchanged cell numbers and said talk to you later. Michelle Aragon, I know that you are going to be reading this, thank you for such a great reunion between you and I. I can't wait till we have a girl date of our own. It's going to be fun.
I made cupcakes again for someone special. I'm excited. I can't wait.
Overall, this was a better day because God knew I needed it, that I needed friends that I can talk to that will understand how I feel and not care if I really don't want to talk about it. What I'm going through now and what I've gone through in the past is something that is between me and God. All I know right now at this moment is that God is my clarity. I leave it all up to him.
God Bles you my friends.
Where my mind wonders.....
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I recently suffered the passing of my little girl Amelia while pregnant at 7 1/2 months. Prior to that, in 2009, my husband and I lost our son after 15 days of his birth. There are no words to even say about how devastating child loss can be. The how, why questions are always running through my mind. I've been there placing blame on myself. What could I have done differently? Maybe I shouldn't have done this or that, gone here or there. This doesn't only hurt me and my husband but also the people who were so happy for us that this was happening a second time. Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner? Why didn't I do this or that? Our baby Amelia Lane lost her heart beat. We don't know why and no matter how much you ask, you won't get any answers. All I can do is rely on the friendship, love and support of our dear friends and family who been there from the beginning. This wasn't easy on the medical team that was looking after me. Before procedures were scheduled, we hope for a miracle and my medical team was very much oblige to do an ultrasound. My doctor did it 3 times. Bless her heart. We were hoping for a miracle. A MIRACLE! Our little girl passed on to be with her older brother. Our hearts ache every minute of the day. To those who are friends and loved ones of family with a child loss, love, compassion, faith and strength is what people like us need in our time of sorrow. We have no time to play the blame game. We will never know what happened to our loss babies. Our Angels up above. Be supportive, understanding and listen. Sometimes your presence alone means so much.
I recently suffered the passing of my little girl Amelia while pregnant at 7 1/2 months. Prior to that, in 2009, my husband and I lost our son after 15 days of his birth. There are no words to even say about how devastating child loss can be. The how, why questions are always running through my mind. I've been there placing blame on myself. What could I have done differently? Maybe I shouldn't have done this or that, gone here or there. This doesn't only hurt me and my husband but also the people who were so happy for us that this was happening a second time. Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner? Why didn't I do this or that? Our baby Amelia Lane lost her heart beat. We don't know why and no matter how much you ask, you won't get any answers. All I can do is rely on the friendship, love and support of our dear friends and family who been there from the beginning. This wasn't easy on the medical team that was looking after me. Before procedures were scheduled, we hope for a miracle and my medical team was very much oblige to do an ultrasound. My doctor did it 3 times. Bless her heart. We were hoping for a miracle. A MIRACLE! Our little girl passed on to be with her older brother. Our hearts ache every minute of the day. To those who are friends and loved ones of family with a child loss, love, compassion, faith and strength is what people like us need in our time of sorrow. We have no time to play the blame game. We will never know what happened to our loss babies. Our Angels up above. Be supportive, understanding and listen. Sometimes your presence alone means so much.
Monday, August 26, 2013
I'm a mess........
Monday, August 26, 2013
Today wasn't so great of a day. I was in the closet at least 2 or 3 times. I'm having issues of being alone. I don't know why but I do. In my head I see myself alone. Just me. Starting over. In a different place. I don't know why I feel this way. I feel empty and I don't know what to do. I'm sad all the time. So sad. When I'm home alone, I'm scared. When I'm out and about, I would prefer to sit in empty restaurants trying to avoid people and their questioning. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
Today wasn't so great of a day. I was in the closet at least 2 or 3 times. I'm having issues of being alone. I don't know why but I do. In my head I see myself alone. Just me. Starting over. In a different place. I don't know why I feel this way. I feel empty and I don't know what to do. I'm sad all the time. So sad. When I'm home alone, I'm scared. When I'm out and about, I would prefer to sit in empty restaurants trying to avoid people and their questioning. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Happy 40th Birthday Anika!
Saturday, August 24, 2013
My dear Anika,
Happy, Happy 40th Birthday!
Happy, Happy 40th Birthday!
You were heaven sent to me. God put you in my life so that I would get to know you and what kind of person you are. God meant you to meet me. Our Amelia Lane brought us together. I don't think that's wrong at all. Your heart is filled with compassion for your patients that some other physician's lack. Anika you were there from the beginning. And your presence was there till the end. The end being so unexpected. I remember when you came into triage, I was so happy to see your face but we all 3 new what was going on. Amelia Lane Gerber decided that it was time for her to join her big brother out there, I'm grateful that you are my physician Anika and the fact that we can get Elaine in on some issues that maybe complicated. I leave my trust in God and to you wonderful ladies. One thing was true, you promised my husband that you were going to take care of me. It was so true. I was well taken care of by my doctor's, nurses, anesthesiologist (the temporary amnesia was great, I woud like to have that for at least 1 year please, LOL!)
I'm hoping to celebrate our birthdays when you get back. Maybe that weekend in LA that we discussed. When you're not on call. Hoping to hang out, relax and have a few laughs.
God bless you! Peace, love and happiness to you forever!
Marci
I'm hoping to celebrate our birthdays when you get back. Maybe that weekend in LA that we discussed. When you're not on call. Hoping to hang out, relax and have a few laughs.
God bless you! Peace, love and happiness to you forever!
Marci
Saturday, August 24, 2013
I'm just not me.............
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Yesterday was a difficult day. Being alone was scaring me. I was worried that I wouldn't see Aaron or Joe again. I couldn't stop crying. My blood pressure was high, I was worried about that. I consulted with my nurse practitioner and she advised that I see Dr. Correa. Dr. Moore is on vacation and I wasn't about to text her about this. I'm very blessed to have such a great medical team looking after me. I see Dr. Moore on Thursday for a follow up anyways so that will be good. Dr. Correa had given me another medication to take to relieve the blood pressure. The one medication was giving me side effects of coughing, wheezing. It got a bit bothersome. Hopefully this new one will help. Dr. Correa had also offered if I needed anti-depressants, I said no to those for now. I would rather feel what I'm feeling knowing that I am actually feeling grief, loss, sadness. As much as I don't want to feel this way, it's better than having all these feeling masked up where eventually it may lead to something more serious. I'm ok with the ambien and lorazapem. As long as I can relax and get some sleep, I'll be ok. God has been gracious in watching after me and my family. HE knows what I need and I'm blessed to feel his presence in my life.
Aaron got home for lunch and I was a mess. I told him about the last minute doctor's appointment and he didn't go back to work but accompanied me instead. I was grateful for that. I'm not doing so well being alone. Half of the time when I am alone, I'm out and about doing errands, having lunch out. I don't have the energy to cook right now plus it's just so much easier for someone else to make the meal. We're ok with it for now. We had a late lunch after the appointment, I won't even say the name because this will ruin the fact that it's a hole in the wall where I can go have a meal, not see people that I know, relax and enjoy. If you get there at the right time, it's empty, I love it. Had to pick up the new prescription, went to Rite-Aid to look for a larger blood pressure cuff, all we ended up doing is getting ice cream and driving to Waller Park to finish it. It was good not to be home. When I'm home, there so much to do, there really isn't anyone here to do it but me and I get tired. I have this tendency to over do it too which isn't good for me either. I'm suppose to be resting, laying in bed, relaxing as much as I can. I can't, so many things need to get done. We barely started laundry last night, I have 3 loads to do still. We cleared out a few things in the closet as well, going directly to storage. There are some things that I would like to do to our room but we don't have the energy for it. Not really sure if we want to take the time to do it right now. We may just wait.
Yesterday was a difficult day. Being alone was scaring me. I was worried that I wouldn't see Aaron or Joe again. I couldn't stop crying. My blood pressure was high, I was worried about that. I consulted with my nurse practitioner and she advised that I see Dr. Correa. Dr. Moore is on vacation and I wasn't about to text her about this. I'm very blessed to have such a great medical team looking after me. I see Dr. Moore on Thursday for a follow up anyways so that will be good. Dr. Correa had given me another medication to take to relieve the blood pressure. The one medication was giving me side effects of coughing, wheezing. It got a bit bothersome. Hopefully this new one will help. Dr. Correa had also offered if I needed anti-depressants, I said no to those for now. I would rather feel what I'm feeling knowing that I am actually feeling grief, loss, sadness. As much as I don't want to feel this way, it's better than having all these feeling masked up where eventually it may lead to something more serious. I'm ok with the ambien and lorazapem. As long as I can relax and get some sleep, I'll be ok. God has been gracious in watching after me and my family. HE knows what I need and I'm blessed to feel his presence in my life.
Aaron got home for lunch and I was a mess. I told him about the last minute doctor's appointment and he didn't go back to work but accompanied me instead. I was grateful for that. I'm not doing so well being alone. Half of the time when I am alone, I'm out and about doing errands, having lunch out. I don't have the energy to cook right now plus it's just so much easier for someone else to make the meal. We're ok with it for now. We had a late lunch after the appointment, I won't even say the name because this will ruin the fact that it's a hole in the wall where I can go have a meal, not see people that I know, relax and enjoy. If you get there at the right time, it's empty, I love it. Had to pick up the new prescription, went to Rite-Aid to look for a larger blood pressure cuff, all we ended up doing is getting ice cream and driving to Waller Park to finish it. It was good not to be home. When I'm home, there so much to do, there really isn't anyone here to do it but me and I get tired. I have this tendency to over do it too which isn't good for me either. I'm suppose to be resting, laying in bed, relaxing as much as I can. I can't, so many things need to get done. We barely started laundry last night, I have 3 loads to do still. We cleared out a few things in the closet as well, going directly to storage. There are some things that I would like to do to our room but we don't have the energy for it. Not really sure if we want to take the time to do it right now. We may just wait.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
It will always hurt no matter what..........
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
I've been in the closet this morning, it's like a ritual. The tears start to flow and I say a prayer for comfort. I don't know if you can cry any louder in a sound proof room but I do.
My dietician called yesterday and left a message. I just heard the message a few minutes ago and that sent me over the edge. I thought of everything that she said. All the reminders of what I needed to do. Then it hit me, I could've screwed that up too. I took the meds that she told me to take, tried to eat the right things. Where did I go wrong?
I was talking to a friend yesterday. As much as I love this friend, I couldn't talk anymore because it wanted to do the blame game. Maybe you shouldn't have gone to San Diego. You shouldn't have done this, done that. Here I am trying to tell it that when I left on vacation, I left with an ok by my attending physician. I tried to explain that I didn't over exert myself because I was in a wheelchair most of the time but my words had fallen on deaf ears. Other subjects came up as well and I said that I just couldn't engage into conversation about it because I am too broken up to hear it. God knows what's in my heart and mind. God is the one that is calling the shots here. All I can ask for is guidance, strength, love, faith and compassion. Compassion is what some people lack. Why is it that some people think that they know everything when they don't? Why does everyone think that they know what is best for you? Why does everyone want to tell you what you did wrong? Honestly, some people just need to leave things well enough alone. They wonder why some don't want to talk or see people in times of grief and loss. Because the one that is suffering the grief and loss doesn't want to hear where they went wrong, why this could have happened, whose fault it is. Do you think there isn't enough guilt there? All we want is friendship, love and support during this difficult time but the sad thing here is, some decide to add the difficult time to their support. I know some of you understand what I'm trying to say. If you do, can you let me know that you understand?
I spoke to my mother for the first time since Amelia had passed away. I was trying to avoid the blame game with her because she is my mother and I know how she is. All she said was, you know, somethings don't work out, it could've been your age, the fact that your body doesn't work right, high blood pressure and Type II (thank you mom and dad). She wondered about Amelia, about her passing, and I told my mother that my daughter looked like me. That broke her heart because she probably thought I wouldn't see her after she passed. Aaron and I did see her. Aaron saw her first a little bit after she was out, me, I saw her the next day. All in all, my conversation with my mother was good.
I've been in the closet this morning, it's like a ritual. The tears start to flow and I say a prayer for comfort. I don't know if you can cry any louder in a sound proof room but I do.
My dietician called yesterday and left a message. I just heard the message a few minutes ago and that sent me over the edge. I thought of everything that she said. All the reminders of what I needed to do. Then it hit me, I could've screwed that up too. I took the meds that she told me to take, tried to eat the right things. Where did I go wrong?
I was talking to a friend yesterday. As much as I love this friend, I couldn't talk anymore because it wanted to do the blame game. Maybe you shouldn't have gone to San Diego. You shouldn't have done this, done that. Here I am trying to tell it that when I left on vacation, I left with an ok by my attending physician. I tried to explain that I didn't over exert myself because I was in a wheelchair most of the time but my words had fallen on deaf ears. Other subjects came up as well and I said that I just couldn't engage into conversation about it because I am too broken up to hear it. God knows what's in my heart and mind. God is the one that is calling the shots here. All I can ask for is guidance, strength, love, faith and compassion. Compassion is what some people lack. Why is it that some people think that they know everything when they don't? Why does everyone think that they know what is best for you? Why does everyone want to tell you what you did wrong? Honestly, some people just need to leave things well enough alone. They wonder why some don't want to talk or see people in times of grief and loss. Because the one that is suffering the grief and loss doesn't want to hear where they went wrong, why this could have happened, whose fault it is. Do you think there isn't enough guilt there? All we want is friendship, love and support during this difficult time but the sad thing here is, some decide to add the difficult time to their support. I know some of you understand what I'm trying to say. If you do, can you let me know that you understand?
I spoke to my mother for the first time since Amelia had passed away. I was trying to avoid the blame game with her because she is my mother and I know how she is. All she said was, you know, somethings don't work out, it could've been your age, the fact that your body doesn't work right, high blood pressure and Type II (thank you mom and dad). She wondered about Amelia, about her passing, and I told my mother that my daughter looked like me. That broke her heart because she probably thought I wouldn't see her after she passed. Aaron and I did see her. Aaron saw her first a little bit after she was out, me, I saw her the next day. All in all, my conversation with my mother was good.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Fun filled but bittersweet............
Sunday, August 18, 2013
I turned 44 yesterday. The day started a little late. We were suppose to have left by 730a and didn't get anywhere close to that, more like 830a. We got out of town, Aaron, Joe, Amy and myself. It was kind of like Amy's idea at first when I was at the hospital with the thought of having to cancel the party. At first, she suggested that we go to Thousand Oaks for the Melting Pot. I thought about it and as much as I like fondue, it wasn't appealing. I then suggested that maybe we can go to The Americana in Glendale and that was much more of a better choice. Can't go wrong when Vera Bradley is there.
First stop, CrushCakes in Carpinteria, CA
This was Amy's idea and it was pretty fun. Nice place, they serve breakfast too and everything looks so good. I had a peanut butter cup cake, I have no clue what my deal is with peanut butter cupcakes but they are pretty good.
I turned 44 yesterday. The day started a little late. We were suppose to have left by 730a and didn't get anywhere close to that, more like 830a. We got out of town, Aaron, Joe, Amy and myself. It was kind of like Amy's idea at first when I was at the hospital with the thought of having to cancel the party. At first, she suggested that we go to Thousand Oaks for the Melting Pot. I thought about it and as much as I like fondue, it wasn't appealing. I then suggested that maybe we can go to The Americana in Glendale and that was much more of a better choice. Can't go wrong when Vera Bradley is there.
First stop, CrushCakes in Carpinteria, CA
This was Amy's idea and it was pretty fun. Nice place, they serve breakfast too and everything looks so good. I had a peanut butter cup cake, I have no clue what my deal is with peanut butter cupcakes but they are pretty good.
Second stop, Slater's 50/50 in Pasadena, CA
Pictures say a thousand words or more. Aaron and I are veteran's at this place but Amy and Joe are newbies. It seemed like we were there forever. And we were, got there at about 1230pm and didn't leave till close to 230pm -300pm. It's great to take your time and experience new places. We noticed that the table next to us had several different parties come and go by the time we had left.
Third stop was the Vera Bradley Store at The Americana.
I have no pictures to show you with this one because Amy and I were too busy shopping. We had fun and there were a lot of sale items plus I got my birthday discount of 25% off the total purchase. I couldn't complain although after everything was said and done, Aaron was happy that my birthday came once a year. Aaron sat there quietly for 2 hours playing on his phone while I shopped and browsed my heart out. I let him carry the white bag because he won't carry any of the patterned bags. My husband, a funny guy is he. LOL!
Fourth stop, Crumbs Bakeshop.
Fluffer Nutter Cupcake! Need I say more!
Fifth stop, Barnes & Noble.
Amy and I had to use the restroom so we go into B&N. We decided to browse a few minutes while the guys were going to the van with our "LOOT." We happen to see a display of Vera Bradley stuff. More like notebooks, book bags so we browse. After a few seconds, Amy is in tears. I know why. She's missing her mom. I stand there, look at her and I'm in tears, missing the fact that I'm no longer pregnant and missing my little girl. I rub my belly on accident and forget and it breaks me to pieces. We look at each other, trying to console one another, then we head to the restrooms. It wasn't a bad melt down but I had a feeling it would happen eventually. Browsed around for a few books that they didn't have and we were done. We didn't bother going to the Galleria because we didn't really need anything there, I contemplated getting a paperback from there but I was starting to get tired plus we had about a million stairs to climb because the elevators were inop.
All together, it was a pretty nice day to spend with my family. Get out of town, change the scenery, not be here thinking about we have lost but she was never far from my mind. My little Amelia Lane was in my heart the whole time. How I wish I could feel her move inside my belly. How I wish she was still here. I'm so lost without her.
We made it home by about 10pm. Not bad specially with Joe and I making plans to attend Worship Service in Bakersfield and hang out with family on Sunday.
I may have been smiling a lot, possibly laughing when someone said something funny but the honest to goodness truth is it was a cover up to mask the pain that I really truly feel. For one day, I tried so hard not to think of her, for one day, I tried to pretend that what I went through a week ago didn't happen. As much as I tried, she wasn't going to leave my mind and my heart. Amelia wouldn't let me. Amelia new it was my birthday and she didn't want me to be sad. She wanted me to be happy even for a little while. And I was happy, for a little while.
Thanks to Aaron, Joe and Amy for taking the time out and spending my birthday with me. I love you all so very much and couldn't have gone through this day without you guys. Thank you Anika for my birthday present and card. That was sweet of you. To those who greeted me on Facebook, sent me texts, thank you for adding that little something special to my birthday. It does mean a lot and I do appreciate it.
Friday, August 16, 2013
How did I get here........
Friday, August 16, 2013
I've been home, debating whether or not to get out of our room to at the least see sunlight. I don't know what to eat, I keep wondering where can I go where I won't have to see too many people. Can I close my eyes and go to another dimension? Go somewhere where I can see my children? Even if it was just for a little while.
I'm turning 44 tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be 44. I was suppose to turn 44, have a wonderful party with my family and friends, celebrate the new life that Aaron and I were bringing into the world, and relish in the joy of being parents the second time around. Instead of all that, I'm turning 44, that wonderful party has now been cancelled a week ago, that new life that we wanted to celebrate is no more, now we make plans for an infant burial and we mourn the loss of our precious little girl. How did we get here? How did I get here? I followed all the rules, I went to every appointment I was told to go, took the necessary medication required to keep this pregnancy going, injected insulin 4 times a day to keep my blood sugars at bay, took the necessary precautions when traveling and always ask permission from my doctors to make sure that Amelia would be ok. And here we are, we come home empty handed. A box filled with toys and clothes for a little girl that won't be here to enjoy them, a room filled with memories on how excited we were she was coming. I don't know how I got here, I don't know how we got here, all I know is this is where we don't want to be. I know my WHY?'s will never be answered but I can't always help but wonder. Do I blame myself for what happened to her? Yes I do. What could I have done differently, maybe if I wasn't on the go so much, if only I could sit still in one place and not move?
30 years ago, I was given the privilege to help raise a few children from church. We became our own family unit. That's where I learned to become a parent. To become a mother. Changing diapers, feedings, illness, etc. I think I mastered it. Why don't I get to keep my kids when at such a young age, I learned how to be a parent, a mom? There must be plan somewhere and I really wish I knew what it was because this suspense is really ripping me to shreds. I'm hanging on to what I believe in so tightly, but there are moments when I want to just let go, and then there is that comfort of peace that comes when you least expect it, although it doesn't stay for long.
Aaron came home for lunch this afternoon cruising on his Facebook and Tweeter like he always does during lunch. He ask me, what did I mean when I said some are just lucky. I told him that some parents are lucky to bring their children home. It's true. For those of us that aren't so lucky, we live with an indescribable pain that in time doesn't hurt as much but it's still there. I don't wish this on anyone. Parents aren't suppose to bury their children, but I've lost two. I think of those who miscarry and I do have friends that have. Some have lost heart to try again, some have tried and weren't successful. There are some who have been blessed. Despite my anger and grief, we were blessed with 2 angels who will forever live in our hearts.
Sad thing, those who you thought would be there are the ones that haven't knocked on your door. That's disheartening. That's all.
I've been home, debating whether or not to get out of our room to at the least see sunlight. I don't know what to eat, I keep wondering where can I go where I won't have to see too many people. Can I close my eyes and go to another dimension? Go somewhere where I can see my children? Even if it was just for a little while.
I'm turning 44 tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be 44. I was suppose to turn 44, have a wonderful party with my family and friends, celebrate the new life that Aaron and I were bringing into the world, and relish in the joy of being parents the second time around. Instead of all that, I'm turning 44, that wonderful party has now been cancelled a week ago, that new life that we wanted to celebrate is no more, now we make plans for an infant burial and we mourn the loss of our precious little girl. How did we get here? How did I get here? I followed all the rules, I went to every appointment I was told to go, took the necessary medication required to keep this pregnancy going, injected insulin 4 times a day to keep my blood sugars at bay, took the necessary precautions when traveling and always ask permission from my doctors to make sure that Amelia would be ok. And here we are, we come home empty handed. A box filled with toys and clothes for a little girl that won't be here to enjoy them, a room filled with memories on how excited we were she was coming. I don't know how I got here, I don't know how we got here, all I know is this is where we don't want to be. I know my WHY?'s will never be answered but I can't always help but wonder. Do I blame myself for what happened to her? Yes I do. What could I have done differently, maybe if I wasn't on the go so much, if only I could sit still in one place and not move?
30 years ago, I was given the privilege to help raise a few children from church. We became our own family unit. That's where I learned to become a parent. To become a mother. Changing diapers, feedings, illness, etc. I think I mastered it. Why don't I get to keep my kids when at such a young age, I learned how to be a parent, a mom? There must be plan somewhere and I really wish I knew what it was because this suspense is really ripping me to shreds. I'm hanging on to what I believe in so tightly, but there are moments when I want to just let go, and then there is that comfort of peace that comes when you least expect it, although it doesn't stay for long.
Aaron came home for lunch this afternoon cruising on his Facebook and Tweeter like he always does during lunch. He ask me, what did I mean when I said some are just lucky. I told him that some parents are lucky to bring their children home. It's true. For those of us that aren't so lucky, we live with an indescribable pain that in time doesn't hurt as much but it's still there. I don't wish this on anyone. Parents aren't suppose to bury their children, but I've lost two. I think of those who miscarry and I do have friends that have. Some have lost heart to try again, some have tried and weren't successful. There are some who have been blessed. Despite my anger and grief, we were blessed with 2 angels who will forever live in our hearts.
Sad thing, those who you thought would be there are the ones that haven't knocked on your door. That's disheartening. That's all.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
A Lost Child, A Mother's Prayer by Sarah Batershell
Thursday, August 15, 2013
A Lost Child, A Mother's Prayer
Lord, the child you formed within my womb,
was taken suddenly from me...
and all that's left is emptiness
and questions running free.
I would've been a good mother,
I would've loved this child so much...
I would have given all I have
for her precious tender touch.
I pray for strength and wisdom,
as I face these trying days...
Lord, help me understand the truth,
and trust in all your ways.
I may not know the reason
my child is not with me...
but I know she's safe in heaven,
with you, for eternity.
Please tell my child I love her,
and I'll see her in the sky...
I'll hold her close forever,
and sing her lullabies.
No more tears or hardship,
no more pain to bear...
face to face I'll see her;
just tell her I'll be there.
~sarah~
@Copyright Reserved Sarah Battershell 2012
***Thank you Sarah for a wonderful poem. You put the words together that my heart couldn't****
A Lost Child, A Mother's Prayer
Lord, the child you formed within my womb,
was taken suddenly from me...
and all that's left is emptiness
and questions running free.
I would've been a good mother,
I would've loved this child so much...
I would have given all I have
for her precious tender touch.
I pray for strength and wisdom,
as I face these trying days...
Lord, help me understand the truth,
and trust in all your ways.
I may not know the reason
my child is not with me...
but I know she's safe in heaven,
with you, for eternity.
Please tell my child I love her,
and I'll see her in the sky...
I'll hold her close forever,
and sing her lullabies.
No more tears or hardship,
no more pain to bear...
face to face I'll see her;
just tell her I'll be there.
~sarah~
@Copyright Reserved Sarah Battershell 2012
***Thank you Sarah for a wonderful poem. You put the words together that my heart couldn't****
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Crying in the closet
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Aaron had requested that I stay home today because we had such a big day on Monday. Seeing Dr. Moore, going to brunch, taking stuff to storage, shopping in AG, Wal-Mart and Albertson's. I know, all the way in AG. Different scenery, don't know much people out there. A little peaceful for errands. I didn't take any kind of pain reliever so Aaron is worried about my pain level. It was tolerable, minor cramping. I was fine but he wasn't. Every single time I looked like I was in pain, he would ask me if I wanted to go to the hospital. My sweet, loving and caring husband. When we finally got home, take some pain reliever now please and sit down, he says. Sometimes sitting down can be painful if it's too much sitting. I followed his orders and had a seat, put my feet up a little bit and felt better after an hour. Most of you that know me know, that I can't sit still. Isn't that a surprise. As women, we see so much that needs to be done around the house and there really isn't anyone we can rely on to do it. I would love a maid right about now but my brother said that he would clean the kitchen, when, I don't know.
Crying in the closet has been our Fortress of Solitude. I can cry as loud as I want and no one hears me. May be a good or bad thing. That's what happens. It's a trigger that sets off pretty much anytime it feels like it. I rubbed my belly a lot when she was still there and I catch myself doing that and that sets me off. Seeing the things that we bought for her is a emotional roller coaster by itself. At the same time, it brings comfort to know that we have her things to keep with us, a reminder that she really was here.
My Blood Pressure is still elevated. I think it's elevated because I'm worried that it's elevated. Yes, I worry myself sick. Dr. Moore is on it. Checking on me by text. It's comforting to know that she is there for me. Such a wonderful lady, an awesome Physician. Her birthday is coming up and me and Amy have something up our sleeves. I hope we pull it off.
The baby shower/birthday party has been cancelled so now the plan is to go out of town for my birthday and not be here. Get away for a bit, get some fresh air. I'm kind of excited.
Overall, how am I feeling? That's the question of the day. We are hurt and sad by our tragic loss, disappointed in some whom we thought were friends, shocked at some who are trying to push an agenda during a tragedy, coming on too strong and forceful. Some have loss the compassion for those whom are grieving. There must be a desperate need for acceptance that at this point, if you have to take advantage of whatever situation there is, it's going the wrong way. You want to bring them in with compassion and not force or guilt. My friend, she seems be living a pretty nice life, married with kids. She found the right one that would give her the compassion and understanding. I haven't met my compassion and understanding and to be truthful, it really isn't even for me, it's for my husband. My husband is a quiet man, doesn't say much, keeps to himself, good listener and boy can he think. He responds to positive reinforcement. You can't forcefully have some one do it if that is not what there heart is desiring at the moment. I know where my status lies and I'm not going to sugar coat it. My faith is important, it's the only faith I know and love and I have been blessed that I have not turned to another faith after my experience. It's because I belong to him. Whether the church acknowledges it or not, my Faith in My Lord Jesus Christ and God Almighty. These too higher powers have meaning in my life. I'm not there to worship people, I'm there to give praise to Our Almighty God and Lord Jesus Christ. I'm slowly loosing faith in people. Maybe Santa Maria is where we are not suppose to be. It's old schooled and pretty played out, talking from a view point that me and my brother have lived here most of our lives. Maybe it's time to move on. I think we will work on our grief and laying our little girl to rest. That's most important now. Possibly move to an area where most people don't know who we are. Sometimes it's so much better because then they have no idea what is going on in our lives. It's just too bad that it didn't work out, the plan of attack kind of back fired. Back to the drawing board.
Aaron had requested that I stay home today because we had such a big day on Monday. Seeing Dr. Moore, going to brunch, taking stuff to storage, shopping in AG, Wal-Mart and Albertson's. I know, all the way in AG. Different scenery, don't know much people out there. A little peaceful for errands. I didn't take any kind of pain reliever so Aaron is worried about my pain level. It was tolerable, minor cramping. I was fine but he wasn't. Every single time I looked like I was in pain, he would ask me if I wanted to go to the hospital. My sweet, loving and caring husband. When we finally got home, take some pain reliever now please and sit down, he says. Sometimes sitting down can be painful if it's too much sitting. I followed his orders and had a seat, put my feet up a little bit and felt better after an hour. Most of you that know me know, that I can't sit still. Isn't that a surprise. As women, we see so much that needs to be done around the house and there really isn't anyone we can rely on to do it. I would love a maid right about now but my brother said that he would clean the kitchen, when, I don't know.
Crying in the closet has been our Fortress of Solitude. I can cry as loud as I want and no one hears me. May be a good or bad thing. That's what happens. It's a trigger that sets off pretty much anytime it feels like it. I rubbed my belly a lot when she was still there and I catch myself doing that and that sets me off. Seeing the things that we bought for her is a emotional roller coaster by itself. At the same time, it brings comfort to know that we have her things to keep with us, a reminder that she really was here.
My Blood Pressure is still elevated. I think it's elevated because I'm worried that it's elevated. Yes, I worry myself sick. Dr. Moore is on it. Checking on me by text. It's comforting to know that she is there for me. Such a wonderful lady, an awesome Physician. Her birthday is coming up and me and Amy have something up our sleeves. I hope we pull it off.
The baby shower/birthday party has been cancelled so now the plan is to go out of town for my birthday and not be here. Get away for a bit, get some fresh air. I'm kind of excited.
Overall, how am I feeling? That's the question of the day. We are hurt and sad by our tragic loss, disappointed in some whom we thought were friends, shocked at some who are trying to push an agenda during a tragedy, coming on too strong and forceful. Some have loss the compassion for those whom are grieving. There must be a desperate need for acceptance that at this point, if you have to take advantage of whatever situation there is, it's going the wrong way. You want to bring them in with compassion and not force or guilt. My friend, she seems be living a pretty nice life, married with kids. She found the right one that would give her the compassion and understanding. I haven't met my compassion and understanding and to be truthful, it really isn't even for me, it's for my husband. My husband is a quiet man, doesn't say much, keeps to himself, good listener and boy can he think. He responds to positive reinforcement. You can't forcefully have some one do it if that is not what there heart is desiring at the moment. I know where my status lies and I'm not going to sugar coat it. My faith is important, it's the only faith I know and love and I have been blessed that I have not turned to another faith after my experience. It's because I belong to him. Whether the church acknowledges it or not, my Faith in My Lord Jesus Christ and God Almighty. These too higher powers have meaning in my life. I'm not there to worship people, I'm there to give praise to Our Almighty God and Lord Jesus Christ. I'm slowly loosing faith in people. Maybe Santa Maria is where we are not suppose to be. It's old schooled and pretty played out, talking from a view point that me and my brother have lived here most of our lives. Maybe it's time to move on. I think we will work on our grief and laying our little girl to rest. That's most important now. Possibly move to an area where most people don't know who we are. Sometimes it's so much better because then they have no idea what is going on in our lives. It's just too bad that it didn't work out, the plan of attack kind of back fired. Back to the drawing board.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
This is really happening isn't it?
Monday, August 12, 2013
This morning, I had a standing appointment to see Dr. Moore for a prenatal appointment but obviously that is not the case anymore. I'm not pregnant anymore, I wish I was. Aaron and I tried to stay busy as much as we could. Had brunch together, possibly our first sit down meal ever since this happened. I'm trying to force myself to eat, it's not fun eating anymore because I'm feeding just myself. My number 1 fan isn't joining me for a meal anymore and I sure do miss her. I've managed not to cry today because we have been so busy doing things around town. We were trying so much to avoid close encounters with people that know us that we went to AG to shop. You could say that we just aren't ready.
I know that Aaron is here with me and if I had my way, I don't want him to leave my side and my sight. I get scared when I don't see him. At the same time, it breaks my heart when I look at how hurt he really is.We are being strong for each other, we both have our moments, we sometimes have them together. He worries about me a lot specially with my blood pressure as elevated as it's been. He is so sweet to care and wanting to make sure that I'm comfortable, not in any pain. When I tell him that something hurts, he always ask me if he needs to take me to the hospital. My poor husband, a 34 year old man, looking like he aged 10 years. Maybe I'm exaggerating but the poor guy is pretty beat. I on the other hand, I'm emotionally drained. Maybe I'll stay in bed tomorrow and watch TV, read maybe. I want to do some rearranging in my room but that will have to wait about 6 to 8 weeks. Doctors orders. I want our room to look different so that maybe I will feel different too.
I took a few minutes to get the dogs out for a pee break so they can come back in and get back to sleep. I didn't realize that there was a chill in the air. I'm wearing shorts. I started shivering so much I didn't know what was happening to me. Inside the house as I close the sliding glass door, my back is shaking along with my legs. It' scared me a bit. I just haven't been this cold before. Strange.
Aaron is asleep, the TV is turned off, the only noise there is in the room is me typing on my keyboard and the sound of the air purifier. Maybe a little bit of Aaron's breathing while he sleeps. That's all.
Was there something that I could have done differently. Could I have gone to the hospital early Monday morning or maybe Monday evening when I knew that things felt a little differently? Would she still be here if I had rushed myself tot he hospital then. Why was I so scared to to say anything to anyone about what I was feeling? Sometimes my imagination plays tricks on me and sometimes I think she moved. Then reality sets in and I know that she isn't there anymore. My heart has been broken once with the death our little boy, 4 years of picking up fragments of our broken heart to slowly piece them back together to let it shatter all over again. It just isn't fair. Aaron and I are two loving people that have so much love to give to each other and our children. We will never understand this hand that we have been dealt. It's an unfair game. It really is.
This morning, I had a standing appointment to see Dr. Moore for a prenatal appointment but obviously that is not the case anymore. I'm not pregnant anymore, I wish I was. Aaron and I tried to stay busy as much as we could. Had brunch together, possibly our first sit down meal ever since this happened. I'm trying to force myself to eat, it's not fun eating anymore because I'm feeding just myself. My number 1 fan isn't joining me for a meal anymore and I sure do miss her. I've managed not to cry today because we have been so busy doing things around town. We were trying so much to avoid close encounters with people that know us that we went to AG to shop. You could say that we just aren't ready.
I know that Aaron is here with me and if I had my way, I don't want him to leave my side and my sight. I get scared when I don't see him. At the same time, it breaks my heart when I look at how hurt he really is.We are being strong for each other, we both have our moments, we sometimes have them together. He worries about me a lot specially with my blood pressure as elevated as it's been. He is so sweet to care and wanting to make sure that I'm comfortable, not in any pain. When I tell him that something hurts, he always ask me if he needs to take me to the hospital. My poor husband, a 34 year old man, looking like he aged 10 years. Maybe I'm exaggerating but the poor guy is pretty beat. I on the other hand, I'm emotionally drained. Maybe I'll stay in bed tomorrow and watch TV, read maybe. I want to do some rearranging in my room but that will have to wait about 6 to 8 weeks. Doctors orders. I want our room to look different so that maybe I will feel different too.
I took a few minutes to get the dogs out for a pee break so they can come back in and get back to sleep. I didn't realize that there was a chill in the air. I'm wearing shorts. I started shivering so much I didn't know what was happening to me. Inside the house as I close the sliding glass door, my back is shaking along with my legs. It' scared me a bit. I just haven't been this cold before. Strange.
Aaron is asleep, the TV is turned off, the only noise there is in the room is me typing on my keyboard and the sound of the air purifier. Maybe a little bit of Aaron's breathing while he sleeps. That's all.
Was there something that I could have done differently. Could I have gone to the hospital early Monday morning or maybe Monday evening when I knew that things felt a little differently? Would she still be here if I had rushed myself tot he hospital then. Why was I so scared to to say anything to anyone about what I was feeling? Sometimes my imagination plays tricks on me and sometimes I think she moved. Then reality sets in and I know that she isn't there anymore. My heart has been broken once with the death our little boy, 4 years of picking up fragments of our broken heart to slowly piece them back together to let it shatter all over again. It just isn't fair. Aaron and I are two loving people that have so much love to give to each other and our children. We will never understand this hand that we have been dealt. It's an unfair game. It really is.
Monday, August 12, 2013
We didn't see this coming................
Monday, August 12, 2013
As most of you now know, our little Amelia Lane was given her wings to join her big brother Ethan among the angels. Until now, it's hard to wrap my head around this knowing that just last week, she was still here with me, moving like she always did.
I don't know if I can get into so much detail as to what happened to her because until now, I can't seem to comprehend that how and why this all happened. I did everything that I was suppose to do. Went to every doctor's appointment, took every pill I was suppose to take, inject the insulin I was told to inject. Eating hasn't come so easily, sleeping comes with the help of a sedative. I can't look at my husband without my heartbreaking for him. I haven't seen too many of our friends because I know that they are sad for us too.
Aaron and I know that we won't have any answers to our questions. At this point, I know that GOD can give and GOD can take away anything, anyone. HE is the creator of all things. We rely on our Faith in OUR LORD GOD and OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST for our day to day strength and sanity, well-being, good health and our long live, and strong marriage. This is all we can do at this point. Rely on the creator to give you strength in time of need. We love our friends as well so come show us some love. Text first before you come by. LOL!
I revert back to the activities that led up to me going to the hospital. I have asked myself, where did I go wrong, what could I have done differently. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, or went there, did this. All are just empty statements that won't ever be answered. Just like all of you, we will never know.
Amelia Lane Gerber was born on August 9, 2013 @ 3:17pm, weight 2.12 lbs. and 17 1/2 inches long. She was blessed with a beautiful crown of jet black hair, my Filipino nose and her dads hands and feet. Absolutely beautiful, she looked like her big brother Ethan.
5 days from now, we were set to celebrate her arrival. Not so much my 44th birthday, just kidding. I picked my birthday because it was on a Saturday and you know that parties are a big deal on Saturdays. So many people were so excited for us. Some couldn't wait to buy her gifts. Some were traveling from far distant places. This was suppose to be a reunion of a great many circle of friends that would be combined into one gigantic circle. It was a way to be able to see everyone until I hibernated into motherhood for like the next 12 months. Texting would've been good. Works for me and La and she's got 3 kids. No one talks on the phone anymore. With the help of social media with my preference being Facebook or FB for short, we have been able to cancel both showers that was schedule for August 17 and September 7. I would like to thank my friends, Jenny, Amy, my brother Joe, Marlon and Ate Tess for wanting to help out with the preparations. There are many who have offered their time and we do appreciate it, please forgive us we don't mention your names. There's quite a few of you.
I know I'll have another melt down of some sorts that I'll be blogging about. I hope you keep reading. If you have any thing to comment on, please do. Whether here on FB or on the blog site. I would like to inform my readers now that I'm not a formal English major with great vocabulary. I speak my mind, straight up. As long as it's in English and you understand it, that's a blog. I hope that our journey to healing will inspire you to read this. I cry when I type and also laugh so you if you chuckle once in a while, it's ok.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
31 weeks and 1 day
Sunday, August 4, 2013
We just got home from Landon's 5th birthday. That was pretty fun. That is, was my final trip by car till Amelia comes. I'm glad that we got to do as much stuff as we did before it was time to call it quits. I'm glad that I got to go to Comic-Con 2013, got to attend the 99th Anniversary Celebration of the Church in Ontario, and most of all, got to attend the Landon's 5th birthday. 5 is pretty important in a little boys life. Landon's party was superhero themed so I wore my best Superman and Man of Steel shirt I could find. I came downstairs this morning also wearing my Wonder Woman cape and he thought that was pretty cool. I love that boy to pieces. Did I tell you that the day we visited for his pre-school graduation he gave me a pink snoopy beanie and said that it was for me and my baby. He is the sweetest. As happy as the occasion was, there were a few disappointments but overall, we are hoping that Landon will be that little boy that doesn't let these things in life get to him.
Aaron and I are glad to be home. I think Amelia is too. She has had a very busy 3 weeks. This little girl of mine won't let up on my bladder. I keep wondering where I get all this fluid to pee. At this moment, she is awake, it must be the water I drank. LOL!
Next week I'm free from appointments but I'll be getting things ready for my birthday/baby shower. That following week, it's back to back dr appointments. I love my OB-GYN team. They are really looking after me. I believe what has made such a great difference is the fact that I've been blessed not having to work during this pregnancy. I get to sit around anytime I want, sleep as long as I want, do whatever I want, really. If only I could be jailed, according to some people. Mind you, all the activities that I have done this far were all approved by my doctors so I know that I'm in good hands. I'm really glad that the traveling is kind of done for now. If I need anything from SoCal or NorCal, the guys are going to have to get it.
I'm feeling good, I'm happy to be home and now, it's party planning. Looking forward to seeing family and friends, celebrating one very special miracle little girl. So far, food prep is coming along, need to place a few more orders and my friends, family got all the rest. If you haven't checked your FB events, you may have been invited and don't even know yet. Please RSVP before August 10. It would really help with keeping our numbers accurate and make sure that we have enough to go around. We will have a few games, pretty simple ones. GUYS! If you bring a pack of diapers, you get to put you name in a drawing for a gift card. Hope you guys show up and party down with us ladies.
Time for bed so until next time everyone. Enjoy a few photos from Landon's birthday.
Monday, July 29, 2013
30 weeks and 2 days
Monday, July 29, 2013
Favorite thing to do: Sleeping on our new bed.
Like: Eating
Dislike: Feet swelling
Dr. Appt.: Tomorrow, July 30, 2013 @ 845a
Next event: Landon's 5th Birthday Party on Friday, August 2nd.
Busy doing what: Handing out invitations to the baby shower.
It's been a week since we've been back from our trip. I've noticed that unless I need to get out of bed, I stay in bed. I've battled with this allergic asthma now for about 2 weeks, thank you so much Holiday Inn Bayside San Diego. Never staying there again.
We attended a Grand Evangelical Mission in Ontario, CA for the 99th Anniversary of the Church last Friday. That was a nice event to attend but it was warm and humid. A lot of walking, my feet swelled up. Stayed in bed most of the weekend. That was nice. Feet are back to normal.
Being this is my second pregnancy and most of you know about my first experience, I am 7 1/2 months pregnant. I delivered Ethan at 7 months so I don't know what else to expect in this pregnancy. I'm feeling the lower back pain, I can't lay inclined on my back in bed, I have to either be on my left or right side. I feel little stretches every where which is new. I swear it stops me in my tracks. I walk slower than I did before, thank goodness for shopping carts. All these feeling are welcomed. I don't know if I'll get go through this again after this one.
My daughter is a funny girl. She knows when it's eating time. She loves to eat so far. Thank goodness.
8 more weeks. I'm excited and I'm scared. I know God is watching over us. This was HIS plan from the beginning. Aaron and I owe our daughter to HIM. All we can do is pray for a safe and healthy child and delivery. Please extend your prayers to our little family. Thank you!
Monday, July 15, 2013
28 weeks and 2 days
It's 3:47am and I'm awake.
Can't find comfortable sleeping position.
Excited about vacation starting Tuesday.
Current craving: Egg flower and Wonton soup! So good!
Loving the nudges and kicks.
Wish I could sleep longer periods of time.
Type II Diabetes can kick itself in the ass. My genetic make-up sucks. Not happy with my parents. This has given me havoc during this pregnancy. My insulin has been increased, I can't have any kind of sugar unless it's sugar free. I'm pissed. I'm angry. I can't enjoy any kind of food without having to see if it's ok to have. I'm pregnant, I'm suppose to crave the stuff I can't have. I need to pay someone to make food that I can eat. Seriously! Probably do the Atkins Diet. No carbs. Stupid CARBS. I hate you! Guess what, my daughter love CARBS and what am I going to do? Deprive her of something that she likes. BLAH!
I know I can do better but for now, I'm sleep deprived and I'm pissed at the whole thing so before anyone wants to lecture me, I wouldn't because I'm not doing so well today.
We leave for Comic-Con tomorrow. So excited to get out of town for the next week. Hopefully the house is still stand until we get here. LOL!
That's it for today.
Type II Diabetes can kick itself in the ass. My genetic make-up sucks. Not happy with my parents. This has given me havoc during this pregnancy. My insulin has been increased, I can't have any kind of sugar unless it's sugar free. I'm pissed. I'm angry. I can't enjoy any kind of food without having to see if it's ok to have. I'm pregnant, I'm suppose to crave the stuff I can't have. I need to pay someone to make food that I can eat. Seriously! Probably do the Atkins Diet. No carbs. Stupid CARBS. I hate you! Guess what, my daughter love CARBS and what am I going to do? Deprive her of something that she likes. BLAH!
I know I can do better but for now, I'm sleep deprived and I'm pissed at the whole thing so before anyone wants to lecture me, I wouldn't because I'm not doing so well today.
We leave for Comic-Con tomorrow. So excited to get out of town for the next week. Hopefully the house is still stand until we get here. LOL!
That's it for today.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
27 weeks and 4 days
Before 2am, I've pee'd at least 4 times.
Fell asleep and woke up at 5am.
Fell back to sleep at 630a and woke up at 1030am. I'm upset. Poor baby was awake too and that didn't help.
Had a great brunch with the girls, Malia and Caitlin @ Kay's Country Kitchen in Orcutt. So good and Amelia was really happy.
Got a nap today which was needed. Blood sugars were at good levels. Tomorrow I started packing for our trip. I'm excited to get out of town for awhile.
Fell back to sleep at 630a and woke up at 1030am. I'm upset. Poor baby was awake too and that didn't help.
Had a great brunch with the girls, Malia and Caitlin @ Kay's Country Kitchen in Orcutt. So good and Amelia was really happy.
Got a nap today which was needed. Blood sugars were at good levels. Tomorrow I started packing for our trip. I'm excited to get out of town for awhile.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
27 weeks and 3 days
Current craving-cookies
Current dislike-Prime Rib
Feeling-bored
Excited about-ComicCon 2013
Last movie I saw-Despicable Me 2 (so funny)
I don't sleep till about 2am. I wish I could sleep a whole lot earlier. I wake up at 8a. On a good morning probably 9a-930a.
My feet have grown a 1/2 size bigger. I can't walk without extra support on my feet, my ankles are starting to swell a little. I've been drinking so much water.
Amelia's movement is pretty good. She likes music, loves Farm Heroes Saga, the music from a game on Facebook.
Current dislike-Prime Rib
Feeling-bored
Excited about-ComicCon 2013
Last movie I saw-Despicable Me 2 (so funny)
I don't sleep till about 2am. I wish I could sleep a whole lot earlier. I wake up at 8a. On a good morning probably 9a-930a.
My feet have grown a 1/2 size bigger. I can't walk without extra support on my feet, my ankles are starting to swell a little. I've been drinking so much water.
Amelia's movement is pretty good. She likes music, loves Farm Heroes Saga, the music from a game on Facebook.
Where do I begin?
Honestly, I don't know.
God created a miracle for Aaron and I. In about 3 more months, Amelia Lane Gerber will be here. Did I ever think that this would happen for us again? Not in our wildest of dreams. I started a new job in 2011 working for Skywest Airlines in Santa Maria, started getting serious about losing weight, join Weight Watchers, months later joined In-Shape City (I miss my Original Gangsta Crew), got addicted to working out and SPIN Class, I've never sweat so much in my life. I took 7 pregnancy tests at home and 1 at the Dr.'s office and an ultrasound to confirm that this was real. It was real. As of March 1, 2013, we were 2 months pregnant. I sit on the bed baffled, wide eyed, looking, staring at my husband, asking how did this happen? I mean, yes we know how it happened, stop your snickering folks but the one thing that some don't know is that after Ethan had passed, it was suggested that I possibly do not get pregnant anymore because of all the complications I go through. Type II Diabetes, Hypertension. I had an IUD implanted in August of 2009. I've had offers from different teams of doctors that would guide me through another pregnancy but Aaron and I were ok that we had each other. We really didn't give it another thought. We have 2 nephews and 2 nieces, various children from our friends and loved ones. We were ok.
You know the saying, "From your mouth to God's ears?" I think that truly happened because when I was on a Winter Spiritual Road trip with our Pastor, his family and our Church family, all he said to me was, "You know Sister Marci, even after what you and Aaron went through losing your first child, you should try having another baby. They are such a joy." All I said to him was, "We will see Brother," because I knew that I would be able to get pregnant with an IUD implanted. It's kept me from pregnancy for 4 years, right? Well, that's where I was wrong. There was an extensive search for this device, pelvic exam, ultrasound. Nothing. They even said that because the device was plastic it could have disintegrated or possibly fallen out without me knowing. I have summed it all up to one thing and one thing only. This was something that God wants for me and my husband. No matter how this device disappeared, this was God's will and for that, I'm grateful.
I couldn't be more happy with my OB-GYN team that's being lead by Dr. Anika Moore. She will be assisted by Dr. Elaine Yin. I am carefully monitored every 2 weeks by Dr. Moore and Dr. Shields, making sure that my blood sugars and blood pressure remain at healthy levels.
Next week, we will be in San Diego for our yearly Comic-Con trip. We are so excited. It's our traditional summer vacation. Amelia gets to go to her first Comic-Con trip. I've been cleared by Dr. Moore for this trip, walking is good as long as I rest when I need to and drink lots of water. Stay hydrated and wear comfy shoes. All checked! Have an appointment next Monday and Tuesday before we leave. Will keep you posted.
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