How did I get here........

Friday, August 16, 2013

I've been home, debating whether or not to get out of our room to at the least see sunlight.  I don't know what to eat, I keep wondering where can I go where I won't have to see too many people.  Can I close my eyes and go to another dimension? Go somewhere where I can see my children?  Even if it was just for a little while.

I'm turning 44 tomorrow.  Tomorrow I'll be 44.  I was suppose to turn 44, have a wonderful party with my family and friends, celebrate the new life that Aaron and I were bringing into the world,  and relish in the joy of being parents the second time around.  Instead of all that, I'm turning 44, that wonderful party has now been cancelled a week ago, that new life that we wanted to celebrate is no more, now we make plans for an infant burial and we mourn the loss of our precious little girl.   How did we get here? How did I get here?  I followed all the rules, I went to every appointment I was told to go, took the necessary medication required to keep this pregnancy going, injected insulin 4 times a day to keep my blood sugars at bay, took the necessary precautions when traveling and always ask permission from my doctors to make sure that Amelia would be ok.  And here we are, we come home empty handed.  A box filled with toys and clothes for a little girl that won't be here to enjoy them, a room filled with memories on how excited we were she was coming.  I don't know how I got here, I don't know how we got here, all I know is this is where we don't want to be.  I know my WHY?'s will never be answered but I can't always help but wonder.  Do I blame myself for what happened to her?  Yes I do.  What could I have done differently, maybe if I wasn't on the go so much, if only I could sit still in one place and not move?

30 years ago, I was given the privilege to help raise a few children from church.  We became our own family unit.  That's where I learned to become a parent.  To become a mother.  Changing diapers, feedings, illness, etc.  I think I mastered it.  Why don't I get to keep my kids when at such a young age, I learned how to be a parent, a mom?  There must be plan somewhere and I really wish I knew what it was because this suspense is really ripping me to shreds.  I'm hanging on to what I believe in so tightly, but there are moments when I want to just let go, and then there is that comfort of peace that comes when you least expect it, although it doesn't stay for long.

Aaron came home for lunch this afternoon cruising on his Facebook and Tweeter like he always does during lunch.  He ask me, what did I mean when I said some are just lucky.  I told him that some parents are lucky to bring their children home.  It's true.  For those of us that aren't so lucky, we live with an indescribable pain that in time doesn't hurt as much but it's still there.  I don't wish this on anyone.  Parents aren't suppose to bury their children, but I've lost two.  I think of those who miscarry and I do have friends that have.  Some have lost heart to try again, some have tried and weren't successful.  There are some who have been blessed.  Despite my anger and grief, we were blessed with 2 angels who will forever live in our hearts.

Sad thing, those who you thought would be there are the ones that haven't knocked on your door.  That's disheartening.  That's all.