This is really happening isn't it?

Monday, August 12, 2013

This morning, I had a standing appointment to see Dr. Moore for a prenatal appointment but obviously that is not the case anymore.  I'm not pregnant anymore, I wish I was.  Aaron and I tried to stay busy as much as we could.  Had brunch together, possibly our first sit down meal ever since this happened.  I'm trying to force myself to eat, it's not fun eating anymore because I'm feeding just myself.  My number 1 fan isn't joining me for a meal anymore and I sure do miss her.  I've managed not to cry today because we have been so busy doing things around town.  We were trying so much to avoid close encounters with people that know us that we went to AG to shop.  You could say that we just aren't ready.

I know that Aaron is here with me and if I had my way, I don't want him to leave my side and my sight.  I get scared when I don't see him.  At the same time, it breaks my heart when I look at how hurt he really is.We are being strong for each other, we both have our moments, we sometimes have them together.  He worries about me a lot specially with my blood pressure as elevated as it's been.  He is so sweet to care and wanting to make sure that I'm comfortable, not in any pain.  When I tell him that something hurts, he always ask me if he needs to take me to the hospital.  My poor husband, a 34 year old man, looking like he aged 10 years.  Maybe I'm exaggerating but the poor guy is pretty beat.  I on the other hand, I'm emotionally drained.  Maybe I'll stay in bed tomorrow and watch TV, read maybe.  I want to do some rearranging in my room but that will have to wait about 6 to 8 weeks.  Doctors orders.  I want our room to look different so that maybe I will feel different too.

I took a few minutes to get the dogs out for a pee break so they can come back in and get back to sleep.  I didn't realize that there was a chill in the air.  I'm wearing shorts.  I started shivering so much I didn't know what was happening to me.  Inside the house as I close the sliding glass door, my back is shaking along with my legs.  It' scared me a bit.  I just haven't been this cold before.  Strange.

Aaron is asleep, the TV is turned off, the only noise there is in the room is me typing on my keyboard and the sound of the air purifier.  Maybe a little bit of Aaron's breathing while he sleeps.  That's all.

Was there something that I could have done differently.  Could I have gone to the hospital early Monday morning or maybe Monday evening when I knew that things felt a little differently?  Would she still be here if I had rushed myself tot he hospital then.  Why was I so scared to to say anything to anyone about what I was feeling?  Sometimes my imagination plays tricks on me and sometimes I think she moved.  Then reality sets in and I know that she isn't there anymore.  My heart has been broken once with the death our little boy, 4 years of picking up fragments of our broken heart to slowly piece them back together to let it shatter all over again.  It just isn't fair.   Aaron and I are two loving people that have so much love to give to each other and our children.  We will never understand this hand that we have been dealt.  It's an unfair game.  It really is.