Crying in the closet

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Aaron had requested that I stay home today because we had such a big day on Monday.  Seeing Dr. Moore, going to brunch, taking stuff to storage, shopping in AG, Wal-Mart and Albertson's.  I know, all the way in AG.  Different scenery, don't know much people out there.  A little peaceful for errands.  I didn't take any kind of pain reliever so Aaron is worried about my pain level.  It was tolerable, minor cramping.  I was fine but he wasn't.  Every single time I looked like I was in pain, he would ask me if I wanted to go to the hospital.  My sweet, loving and caring husband.  When we finally got home, take some pain reliever now please and sit down, he says.  Sometimes sitting down can be painful if it's too much sitting.  I followed his orders and had a seat, put my feet up a little bit and felt better after an hour.  Most of you that know me know, that I can't sit still.  Isn't that a surprise.  As women, we see so much that needs to be done around the house and there really isn't anyone we can rely on to do it.  I would love a maid right about now but my brother said that he would clean the kitchen, when, I don't know.

Crying in the closet has been our Fortress of Solitude.  I can cry as loud as I want and no one hears me. May be a good or bad thing.  That's what happens.  It's a trigger that sets off pretty much anytime it feels like it.  I rubbed my belly a lot when she was still there and I catch myself doing that and that sets me off.  Seeing the things that we bought for her is a emotional roller coaster by itself.  At the same time, it brings comfort to know that we have her things to keep with us, a reminder that she really was here.

My Blood Pressure is still elevated.  I think it's elevated because I'm worried that it's elevated. Yes, I worry myself sick. Dr. Moore is on it.  Checking on me by text.  It's comforting to know that she is there for me.  Such a wonderful lady, an awesome Physician.  Her birthday is coming up and me and Amy have something up our sleeves.  I hope we pull it off.

The baby shower/birthday party has been cancelled so now the plan is to go out of town for my birthday and not be here.  Get away for a bit, get some fresh air.  I'm kind of excited.

Overall, how am I feeling?  That's the question of the day.  We are hurt and sad by our tragic loss, disappointed in some whom we thought were friends,  shocked at some who are trying to push an agenda during a tragedy, coming on too strong and forceful.  Some have loss the compassion for those whom are grieving.  There must be a desperate need for acceptance that at this point, if you have to take advantage of whatever situation there is, it's going the wrong way.  You want to bring them in with compassion and not force or guilt.  My friend, she seems be living a pretty nice life, married with kids.  She found the right one that would give her the compassion and understanding.  I haven't met my compassion and understanding and to be truthful, it really isn't  even for me, it's for my husband.  My husband is a quiet man, doesn't say much, keeps to himself, good listener and boy can he think.  He responds to positive reinforcement.  You can't forcefully have some one do it if that is not what there heart is desiring at the moment.  I know where my status lies and I'm not going to sugar coat it.  My faith is important, it's the only faith I know and love and I have been blessed that I have not turned to another faith after my experience.  It's because I belong to him.  Whether the church acknowledges it or not, my Faith in My Lord Jesus Christ and God Almighty.  These too higher powers have meaning in my life.  I'm not there to worship people, I'm there to give praise to Our Almighty God and Lord Jesus Christ.  I'm slowly loosing faith in people.  Maybe Santa Maria is where we are not suppose to be.  It's old schooled and pretty played out, talking from a view point that me and my brother have lived here most of our lives.  Maybe it's time to move on.  I think we will work on our grief and laying our little girl  to rest.  That's most important now.  Possibly move to an area where most people don't know who we are.  Sometimes it's so much better because then they have no idea what is going on in our lives.  It's just too bad that it didn't work out, the plan of attack kind of back fired.  Back to the drawing board.